It was the summer of 1990. and Martin and Padraic...
...had decided to build a river raft.
It was their most exciting construction project yet.
A bold, brilliant idea.
Although neither of them could remember what had actually inspired it.
"We said there warn't no home like a raft, after all."
"Other places do seem so cramped up and smothery,
...but a raft don't. You feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft."
- Raft - Smotherly butter.
Their plan was simple. As simple as two young simpletons.
We'll sail into town on a boasting hot day...
and eat ice creams.
And all of our friends can go swimming off it!
Yeah! We'll be the most popular lads in town.
Two virile young fellas rockin' the waves...like Wham!
But following some construction setbacks including Padraic's biscuit based stripe...
...it was nearly November by the time the raft was finished.
So our silly little seaman made a new plan.
We'll turn it into a halloween ghost ship!
A ghost raft! And sail into town, and freak everyone out.
Yeah! We'll be the most popular lads in town.
Like Erasure!
No Padraic. We'll be the scariest, most frightening, terrifying lads in town.
Who are also loved by everyone! Like the Culture Club!
So when we throw Padraic overboard how do we make it look like an accident?
♪ Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper
♪ Wait a minute, where's me jumper?
♪ Where's me jumper?
Oh, no ♪
And on this Sunday, the eve of all hallows...
...I'd like to extend a very special hallow and welcome back Father Roche...
...from his missionary work in the depths of the Amazon.
Sounds like he had an absolutely lovely time.
and the rumors of him "Going Native" are grossly exaggerated.
No, really, they are. So let's put a stop to that gossip now.
Now let's have a reading from St. Paul.
A reading of the letter of St. Paul to the Colossians.
Brothers and sisters, put on as God's chosen ones...
I'm not sure about your choice of reader Father.
Fidelma? Oh, she's one of the best readers in her school.
Lovely diction. Always, always puts the pauses in the right places.
Pregnant pauses, are they?
I, I suppose that Del there might be a bit pregnant, Yes Sir.
But listen to her. She makes those Colosians come alive.
I don't think that being a pregnant unmarried teenager
...has any affect on the quality of her reading.
This is the... Oo, Jesus.
Sorry. He gave a little kick.
Where was I? End of Bible?
Thanks be to God.
Thank you, see you now. Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, Fidelma? Lovely, lovely, lovely reading.
I wondered, could I have a quick word?
It'll have to be quick Father. I haven't had a wee in 9 minutes.
It, it's a little bit of a delicate matter you could say but...
Looking good, buddy.
We're going to be the best plumbers in all of Boyle.
We're not plumbers, we're ghost busters.
What? No. I thought we were the Super Mario Brothers.
Don't I look like I could bust a ghost?
Uuh, You look like you could bust a clogged drain.
Wait, wait. If I'm not a Mario Brother why does this keep happening?
Oh, that's an imaginary friend fart.
What you doin' out there Martin?
Um, going trick or treating.
It's 1PM.
Got to start early to get the best sweets.
Aren't you a bit old for trick or treating?
Ah Trisha, let Martin cling on to his childhood if he wants.
Soon enough, he'll be stuck in some dead end job where his only treat...
...is a bit of peace and quiet, and his whole life will be...
...like some sad bad trick.
But that's if the Astronaut thing doesn't work out pal.
Or the jockey thing.
- I thought you were afraid of horses. - Not afraid Trisha. Allergic.
Are you goin' trick or treating Sinead?
- No. - You're usually mad for sweets.
Shut up talking about sweets! You're all obsessed!
- Huh, She's chirpy, for a Sunday. - I think some bitch at school...
Trisha, language.
Some girl in Sinead's class has been teasing her about being a little bit, fat.
- Bitch! - That's what I was saying.
- We should talk to her. - Sinead isn't fat.
I know.
I mean, she might be a little bit plump, but that's just puppy fat.
I mean she's like a little plump, dog.
Maybe I'll talk to her alone.
Ahoy Moones!
Aww, look at his little face. Are you some sort of bear, Padraic?
- Well, a Beaver Mrs. M. - Beaver?
The bears of the river!
Not that there's any reason to mention a river.
But, bears go into rivers. Aren't bears the bears of the river?
Trisha, always with the jokes. Ah, you're a gas when all together.
Heh, we should go.
Time to set sail on the ghost raft.
Sometimes we call trick or treating setting sail on the ghost raft...
cause it's so exciting.
Well, that's not confusing at all.
There she goes again. The Irish Jim Davidson, ye are.
If you're here to talk about, sweets...
...chips or some nonsense.
I don't care. I'm not interested.
Not unless you have a Cornetto. Do you have a Cornetto?
- No. - Then what do you want?
Are you feeling a little self-conscious about your body, Pet?
Hah. No, I look amazing.
It's just that Trisha said...
Ruth Connolly told Ailish O'Rourke that I stole her lunch.
Ailish O'Rourke said that I could do with...
...skipping a meal now and then.
- Now that's just mean. Why would Ruth... - I did steal her lunch.
Why did you steal her lunch?
Cause I was hungry.
's I'm always hungry cause I'm a big fat whale.
I'm slipping out to the shops. Does anyone fancy a Cornetto?
This way Crunchie Haystacks!
I'm the undertaking wrestler!
An undertaker and a plumber. Like a low rent village people.
What's with the bottle?
- It's embalming fluid, for embalming. - Oh yeah?
Padraic really pays attention to detail. We'll see you down there.
A coffin boffin and a gutter nutter. The werewolves must be shittin' themselves.
This is going to be so great. Everyone is going to be so freaked out...
...when we sail into town on the ghost raft.
Yeah, big time. Although, call me crazy, aren't...
...ghost rafts supposed to have nobody on them?
Isn't that what a ghost ship is?
Well imagine how freaky it will be...
...when people see us on it!
Yeahh!
All aboard, Martin!
Freaky and confused.
Keep'em guessing.
It isn't sinking. We actually built a raft!
We're the bears of the river!
Just one Cornetto
Yeah.
give it to me
Lovely voice.
So what was Father Linehan chatting to you about earlier?
Oh nothing really.
Just saying he doesn't want me to read at Mass anymore.
Really?
Said he was worried all the reading might hurt the baby.
Well, like that makes sense. Priests really know their stuff.
When you were pregnant you said that washing the dishes might hurt the baby.
- Yeah. Because of the... - Soapy sores, I think you said?
- Mm-hm, That's right. - Anyway, I don't care.
One less thing to worry about if you ask me.
That's weird, isn't it? I mean she's the best reader in Boyle.
Oh, hands down. Especially since that nun died.
- So they don't want her to read just because she's... - Up the pole?
With child. Is what I was going to say.
Suppose they just don't want, an unmarried teenage reader whose, you know...
- Got a trout in the well? - Trisha.
What? What are you barking at me for? She's the one who...
- Stop right there! - Go on, let me do one more.
No.
Soapy sores, Mom?
Last one.
She's the one who's shittin' for two.
- That was worth the wait, I think. - It was, actually.
This is the life.
All the excitement of the sea with the dependable assurance of the river.
I haven't felt this relaxed since I broke Pretty Pete Dixon's collar bone
...in the Salford smack-down of '82.
Maybe we should sing a sea shanty.
We should totally sing a sea shanty.
- I love shanting! - Alright Crunchie, alright.
Wait. Do we know any sea shanties?
Eh, Hello? Biggest nautical hit of 1988.
Let me sail, let me sail, let the Orinoco flow.
Let me beach, let me reach far beyond the yellow sea.
Oh, Yeah!
Sail away, sail away sail away
Sail away
Sail away, sail away sail away
Wait. This isn't town.
Where the hell are we?
The river went the wrong way!
Stupid feckin' river!
Padraic, swim back to shore and get help, will you!?
- Me? - You're a beaver aren't you?
Martin! This is an 84% wool to nylon blend.
- Oh not this nonsense again. - I'm fairly sure I'd drown.
So, only fairly sure?
It's good enough for me.
Was that a wolf?
Martin, aren't you allergic to wolves?
Not allergic Sean, afraid.
Oh, Hello Mrs. Moone.
You asked Fidelma not to read anymore.
- What? Well, I... - It's not fair to fire her,
just because she's got a trout... cause she's, with child.
You think I wanted to let Fidelma go?
It was like ripping off a limb. She's the best reader in Boyle.
Since Sister Ann slipped on that step anyway.
Or was pushed. Let's not go into that now.
The thing is, Father Roche is the senior priest...
...and he feels, it's just not appropriate.
- What do you think? - It doesn't matter.
He's the head of the parish.
In priest terms he's Paul Simon.
I'm just big stupid Garfunkel.
Maybe it's time for you to go solo.
You mean finally start my own religion?
I mean...maybe it's time for you to break the sound of
silence Father and face that troubled bridge head on.
You're right Debra. I'll talk to Father Roche.
And not just because I'm impressed by your S and G knowledge.
Howareya.
Well, He's right there. Why don't you talk to him now?
- Now? - Yeah.
- Now? - Ah for Fu...
Wait, wait, wait. I'll do something.
I will.
- When? - Tonight, at Mass.
See you there.
We've already been to mass today.
I think I want to live on the raft.
Boy up, Beaver. Let's just call in to this big creepy house.
Happy Halloween!
Hi Mister. We got marooned on your island and we kinda need some help.
Are you not going to sing a song or anything?
Uh No, we're not trick or treating. Do you have a phone?
- Or a hover craft? - I'm still not hearing the song, lads.
- No, no, we're actually here to... - Ah lads...
...no song, no sweets.
You wake me up, before you go go.
Don't leave me hanging on like a Yo-Yo
You wake me up, before you go go
Don't leave me hanging on, baby toniiiight, hah
- Come on in lads. - Right.
Listen Sinead. I've been thinking about your little problem.
- Martin? - No, no, the weight thing.
I know what I'm going to do.
Because, you know I run the weight watchers class and I could work...
...a regime for you based on your body mass index, ya know.
a reduction of glucose, cut out the white wine, basically.
Look mom, I'm already bored of this conversation.
I'm just going to lay low, stay out of the public eye. Just hide, basically.
Ah, Father Roche, about that Fidelma Moone situation...
Did you happen to find a little pin cushion in here anywhere, Father?
Eh, What does it look like?
It looks like a little person.
Em, No.
Listen. I know you've been away, Father.
But I think it is important that this is an inclusive, progressive church.
- You think that that's important? - I really do.
I don't know when I told you to think that.
It would be more in your interest to clean your bloody room.
Then I might be able to find my things.
Yes, Father.
Here's my goats blood!
For cooking.
Give me Strength
SIMON & GARFUNKEL THE SOUND OF SILENCE
Every Halloween I put out that bowl of sweets.
But no one ever comes.
Does anyone else live on this island?
Not to me knowledge. Just me and the wolves.
I wasn't going to put the bowl out this year though.
I says to meself "Why Bother"?
"Should no one will come."
Then I said to meself "Shut up Joe, you big stupid bastard,
and put out the bowl and someone will come."
And they did come. Two persons. A plumber and an otter.
So, you're Joe.
That's what they call me. Island Joe. Joe of the Island.
And I'm Martin...of the Boyle. and this is Padraic.
of...just outside the Boyle.
I'm a beaver.
This was a beaver once.
- What happened to it? - Island Joe.
That's what happened to it. The bears of the river, my hole.
Quick question for you lads.
Which one of yous can hold your breath under water the longest?
We'll soon see.
- What's happened? - I think it's a protest Mass.
A what?
- I've never seen one in the flesh. - Seen what? Nothin's happening.
How do you do it?
I just imagine myself Tom Sawyer and slave Jim have money on it.
Who are they?
I have no idea.
Hah, the lack of oxygen is driving you mad!
Hold your ground, Father.
It's time for boy to become man.
God, he's really coming into his own now isn't he?
- This is great stuff, isn't it lads? - Yeah.
- Lads, are ye real? - Whut?
It's just sometimes when I come in and play ping pong in here with my friends...
...they turn out not to be, real like.
Maybe that's why I always win.
- No. We're real. - Really?
Yeah, really.
Great stuff.
Whaa?
"Are you real?"
What a weirdo.
"Are you real?"
Bizarre.
No, were imagined.
Holy shit. That was a rush.
It was the best Mass ever.
Yeah, really made you think.
We have prevailed, Fidelma! You can read again.
- Oh really? That's...good? - You don't seem too excited.
Well it's just...
I don't really like doing it. It's kinda tiring.
Oh, that's disappointing.
Wish you had mentioned that before I did the whole protest Mass and everything.
Oh, sorry about that. Don't worry, I'll find someone else to read.
OK. It's just that...I went through such a hoopla about the whole thing.
It would be great if there were a pregnant teenager.
This is my favorite Halloween ever.
You're some man, Island Joe.
I feel bad that you're marooned on your own out here.
No, I have the wolves for company.
Aren't you afraid they'll eat you?
No, their a gentle creature.
- Really? - Yeah.
And if they get peckish, there's a graveyard on the island.
Hey, who's for the last bit of barmbrack? The ring's still in there.
A wife? That's all I need Joe!
And the cats belong together an'tay.
I'm getting a real ghoulie, spirity vibe out here.
Hey, speaking of spirits...
Thanks.
What is that!?
I had no where else to pee.
Talk about ungrateful.
- I suppose the sea biscuits... - No, we're not talking anymore now.
Dad, I was talking to someone about Castle Island in Lough Key...
While you were trick or treating?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Do you know there's a caretaker on his own out there?
That's right.
The caretaker? Oh, he's long gone.
- What? - Oh, Yeah.
He died out on the island years ago.
- He's Dead? - Yeah.
- I think the wolves got him. - shut up.
Oh, he's dead years Martin.
Ooh, that is freaky. That is messed up!
The spirit of the ghost raft.
Well good night then, little plumber boy.
I'm a ghost buster.
There's a new fellow out there now though, isn't there?
Oh yeah, right, jeah, Island Joe.
That's right. Joe of the Island. Loves the ping pong.
That's right.
Thank you for coming to All Hallows Mass.
How nice to see so many of you haven't been caught up in the silly old...
...pagan rituals of halloween.
Not that there's anything wrong with paganism, of course.
Anyway, we'll have a reading now, from the Colossians.
- What's she doing? - Oh God.
I think it's protest reading.
Protesting about what?
Doing the reading.
Transcribed and synced by Cosa.